Remember back in middle school gym when that one bully would always pants you in front of the whole class?
You’d come out of the locker room and start getting warmed up for Pickleball, and this guy would sneak up behind you and pull down your meshies so everyone could see your smiley-face Joe Boxers. This happened a solid three times per week for the duration of seventh grade.
The first couple days, he was just being mean. But after that, it was partially your own fault for not convincing your mom to buy you some gym shorts with a drawstring. And also your mom’s fault for not letting you go to the mall without her. Everyone else was allowed to … so unfair! I’m going to live with Joey’s parents! Wait, what?
Sorry to dredge up those deeply repressed memories — which definitely did not come from personal experience (always the pantser, never the pantsee!) — but the pantsing incident is pretty much exactly like picking Albert Pujols in BTS right now.
The first few times you got burned by the best player in the game, it was on him. But for the love of Allen Craig, Prince Albert has now taken 0-fers in five of his first nine games this season, including both Saturday and Sunday. He’s 5-for-35 (.143) overall with just one multi-hit effort to his name
Picking him is like walking into gym class with your shorts already around your knees: Maybe they won’t get pulled all the way down, but it’s quite the unnecessary risk.
The fellows below aren’t belt-and-suspenders safe — it is Monday after all — but, like a trusty pair of compression shorts, they should provide both comfort and support.
(Make a BTS pick)
Oh, hello there …
• Todd Helton: .600 AVG (6-for-10) since ’06 vs. Mets starter Mike Pelfrey
• Kurt Suzuki: .389 AVG (7-for-18) since ’06 vs. White Sox starter Mark Buehrle
• Michael Bourn: .364 AVG (8-for-22) since ’06 vs. Cubs starter Ryan Dempster
• Carlos Lee: .344 AVG (11-for-32) since ’06 vs. Cubs starter Ryan Dempster
Todd Helton and Carlos Lee — we’re taking the “back when you were in middle school …” theme all the way!
Feeling kinda spicy?
• Seth Smith: .444 AVG (4-for-9) since ’06 vs. Mets starter Mike Pelfrey
You’ll thank me later …
• B.J. Upton: .133 AVG (2-for-15) since ’06 vs. Red Sox starter Daisuke Matsuzaka
• Ian Kinsler: .143 AVG (2-for-14) since ’06 vs. Tigers starter Justin Verlander
• Alex Rios: .188 AVG (3-for-16) since ’06 vs. A’s starter Dallas Braden
• David DeJesus: .192 AVG (10-for-52) since ’06 vs. White Sox starter Mark Buehrle
Sixty-eight of you remain a perfect 11-for-11. We’ll be a lot more impressed if 11 of you go 68-for-68.
Top MLB streakers
Jose Tabata: 10 games
Paul Konerko: 9 games
Six players: 8 games
(Make a BTS pick)